Mating Habits of the Species Shinigami
by Kouri Arashi
Summary: One-shot. Tatsumi/Watari fluff, narrated by 003. Pointless, but fun. ^_^
1. Default Chapter

_Notes: This fic can be entirely blamed on RubyD, since it was a) her idea, and b) a bribe for her anyway. Also, the idea of Watari with his hair down was inspired by Asidian's fic, "The Incident with the Owl." _

Warnings: Yaoi. Tatsumi/Watari (which I've never written before, incidentally), and Tsuzuki/Hisoka references. Also, bizarre circumstances and the anthropomorphizing of 003. Who, if you ask me, may be the smartest member of the entire cast. 

Mating Habits of the Species Shinigami 

    I came to the conclusion the other day that my human, as dearly as I love him, is just an idiot. 

    This is kind of a long story. 

    It all started months ago. I remember it very well; it was a stressful time after Tsuzuki-san nearly blew up half the Meifu. Well, it wasn't really his fault. He was catatonic at the time and Suzaku wasn't obeying his orders. And then that creepy man in the white coat showed up and left with him. 

    But I digress. 

    The point I'm making here is that when the others returned with Tsuzuki the next day, things started to change. I may be a bird, but I'm a very observant one. (It's one of the defining characteristics of my species. Owls in general are observant, much more so than the average birds. Though hawks may have us beat.) The point I'm making here is that I had noticed my human's undisguised interest in one of his fellow coworkers, this being the scary accountant. I'm sorry, Tatsumi. But Tatsumi was interested in Tsuzuki-san, despite the fact that my human would have been a much better match for him. 

    I mean, I'll admit to a certain amount of bias, but I was under the impression that Tatsumi and Tsuzuki-san had already once tried a relationship and it hadn't worked out. So whatever was keeping him from being with my human seemed very silly indeed. 

    However, after the incident in Kyoto, Tsuzuki-san started being much more snuggly with his partner, Hisoka, and after a few weeks, Tatsumi seemed to realize that he didn't have a chance. 

    As I said, this was months ago. From then on, the snuggliness of the humans in question has only increased, as has Tatsumi's moping. 

    Which brings us to why my human is an idiot. 

    It started out innocently enough, he was puttering in his office working on his gender transformation project (which I still have never figured out why he is so intent on making. If you're given a gender, why question it? I suppose a certain amount of curiosity, but I've certainly never wanted to be a male. From my experience, all males are idiots, particularly where matters of romance are concerned). 

    But then he found his latest budget request on his desk, which naturally Tatsumi had declined to give him. Tatsumi always declines to give it to him on the first try, so my human sends another one. This keeps up until Tatsumi is receiving five or six of the things a day, and agrees just so my human will stop sending them. 

    For some reason, though, he seemed particularly disheartened on this particular day. So he slumped into his chair and studied the budget request form with a little crease in his forehead. Trying to be useful, as I always am, I flitted down beside him and pulled out another request form. 

    He accepted it and smiled at me, but then just stared at it. "Maybe I should take it to him in person," he mused. 

    I landed on the table and gave him a serious look. Without vocal cords, there's only so much I have to work with. 

    My human sighed, looking decidedly melodramatic. It's unlike him. Maybe he'd gotten up on the wrong side of bed? "But what's the use? He'll just ignore me as usual . . . I don't think he likes me very much." 

    I nearly fell over. Good God, man, what's wrong with you? He practically dumps a bucket of pheromones on you every time you walk into the room! Even I can smell them, and I'm a different species! How long does he have to give you those looks before you'll figure them out? 

    Humans are so strange. 

    I settled for flapping my wings and hooting indignantly, implying that he had better stop being so silly. Or at least, that was what I was trying to imply, but I don't think it came across. 

    He gives me a funny look. "You don't think so?" he asks, sounding amused. I'll say this for my human -- he can get more out of my hooting than just about any other human I've ever met. He's really quite smart, when it comes to that. 

    I hoot again and look wise. 

    "It's just . . ." He sighs. He confides in no one else but me, which is rather sad when you think about it. So let's not think about it. "He was in love with Tsuzuki for so long . . ." 

    Exactly! You just said it! Was! I know what I'm talking about here; it's not like someone flipped a switch and Tatsumi started liking my human instead, but ever since Kyoto he's been giving him longer and longer looks. And more and more pheromones every time they come into contact. 

    This may call for serious intervention. 

    "You're right," my human says decisively, leaving me to wonder what I'm right about. "I'll go bring him a new request . . . maybe I'll be able to convince him." 

    This being resolved, he bounces down the hallway, back to his normal cheerful self. 

    I just have to do something about this. 

    So I flit along behind him, following him along until he stops at Tatsumi's office and knocks. It's nearly lunch time, but we all know that Tatsumi will still be inside. Him, take a break? Even I know that's laughable. 

    "Ta~tsu~miiiii!" 

    Tatsumi looks up with a long-suffering expression. There go the pheromones. Bam. It's like getting hit by a truck. No one should be that good at hiding what they're really feeling, sheesh. 

    I sit complacently through my human's long-winded explanation of why he really needs this research grant, while Tatsumi looks privately amused. Not that my human notices, of course, because he's just that dense. This calls for immediate action. 

    "I'll think about it," Tatsumi finally says. 

    That being better than the no he's used to, my human brightens up considerably at this and stands to go. "Arigatou, Tatsumi!" 

    I flit around his head, then, hovering over the back of his head, pull out his hair ribbon with my claws and take off for the ceiling. My human lets out an indignant squawk that sounds more bird than man and grabs for it, his hair coming loose and spilling around his shoulders. "Get back here with that!" 

    I lead him on a merry chase around the office while Tatsumi just shakes his head. My human is far too impulsive to think that under normal circumstances, he would look quite silly. Either that or he doesn't care. 

    I dart around behind Tatsumi's head, and my human obligingly reaches for me, at which point I change direction sharply. He tries to turn -- overbalances -- and goes crashing into Tatsumi. The two of them wind up in a heap on the floor. 

    My work here is done. 

    And of course, for a long minute they just stare at each other like idiots. I almost wish that someone else would walk in, if only to see the look on their faces, but that might disrupt the moment. So instead I hover in midair, waiting. 

    "Ah -- sorry," my human mumbles. 

    Tatsumi is actually blushing. Hooray for progress! "003 needs to learn some new manners." 

    "Yeah, I know," he sighs, and gets up, then helps Tatsumi up. Well, I can't have everything at once. I'll find a way to get them to kiss later. 

    As it is, I flit down and drop the hair ribbon so it lands on Tatsumi's head. He glances up, then takes it. "Turn around," he says. 

    My human turns a brilliant shade of red, but turns and lets Tatsumi fasten the ribbon in his hair again. He's perfectly capable of doing it by himself, of course, so it only makes me happier that he let Tatsumi do it for him. 

    "I-I'll see you later," he stammers, and bolts as soon as Tatsumi lets him go. He waits until we're back in his lab to look at me. "I'm going to get you for that," he tells me. 

    I land on his shoulder and preen. 

    He mutters something uncomplimentary and gets back to work. Humans make such good pets -- they need a lot of taking care of, but the results are definitely worth it. 


	2. Scene Two

_I got so many requests for more of this that I decided to go ahead and do some more. It's going to be more like a series of short scenes than actual chapters-- I just don't have enough time to devote to the idea for it to be an actual plot-like fic. But hey, it'll be cute. And ha! I even managed a cliffhanger of sorts! Shameless Tsuzuki/Hisoka in this chapter, when you consider that the fic is supposed to be Tatsumi/Watari._

    You know, when my human works on his gender transformation potion, the reason he gives is that he wants to experience the joys of motherhood. And I can't help but think who he plans on being the father of this hypothetical child. 

    Gee, I wonder. 

    Not that this is the point. It's just a little thing that I was thinking about the other day. The point is that I'm still going out of mind, trying to deal with this obstinately lonely human of mine. You'd think that what I did last time might have done some good, but no, of course not. They've even started avoiding each other! How stupid could they possibly be? 

    Avoiding someone is not the way to get them to be your mate. Even earthworms are aware of that basic fact. Yet humans are stubbornly persistent when it comes to things like this. Tsuzuki and Hisoka, for example, would often go days without looking at each other, all because one of them had accidentally displayed his affection for the other. 

    I'm getting distracted again. Yes, despite my best efforts, Tatsumi and my human have been seeing relatively little of each other lately. And when they do see each other, they are both ultra-polite. They don't even bicker! It's extremely strange. And extremely annoying! 

    Being a bit restricted by the fact that I cannot, in fact, speak, I'm rather at a loss as to how to help. 

    I'm quickly coming to the conclusion that human courtship is ridiculous. One human expresses an interest in another, and the other then promptly begins this game which I believe is called "playing hard to get." I simply do not understand this human way of thinking. If you know someone is interested in you, and you return the interest, why would you want to risk turning them down? 

    Of course, I understand that humans are one of a minority of species -- they mate for life, and for pleasure as well as necessity. That cannot be said of many other animals. However, when two people are obviously compatible (as naturally my human and Tatsumi are, or I wouldn't be upset at this) and obviously interested, this game frustrates everyone who is around them. 

    For example, observe this conversation I overheard the other day. (My human was concocting something in the lab. Usually I stay while he does this, but not only was this dangerous -- it was smelly. I sought better company.) 

    Tsuzuki-san was speaking to his partner (partner in more ways than one, of course), whom my human refers to as "bon" but I believe is more commonly called Hisoka. "Don't Watari and Tatsumi just drive you nuts?" 

    Hisoka at this point looked up from the large pile of paperwork that I think he was attempting to make his partner do. "Are they supposed to?" 

    "They're so . . . so . . . stupid," Tsuzuki-san proclaimed. 

    Now, I do believe that Tsuzuki-san was being a bit hypocritical here, given that his own romance with Hisoka ran a rather similar pattern. (Which does make me hope for the best.) And apparently Hisoka agreed with me. "I don't really think they're stupid." 

    "But Watari is obviously interested, and if they don't stop staring at each other across the lunch table, I'll . . . I'll . . ." Tsuzuki-san stopped in what looked like the search for an appropriate threat and came up with: "I'll lose my appetite!" 

    Hisoka snorted. "Yeah, that'll almost happen." 

    "But you know what I meeeeeaaaannnn," Tsuzuki-san replied. 

    Hisoka shrugged. "They'll get together on their own time. You can't blame Tatsumi-san. He's still in love with you." There was no jealousy or suspicion in his tone; it was a matter-of-fact statement. That Hisoka can be pretty smart sometimes -- maybe even worthy to be a bird. Then he looked up and smiled at Tsuzuki-san, which startled me because offhand I don't recall ever having seen Hisoka smile before. "Not that I don't see why . . ." 

    This progressed to kissing, and I lost interest. 

    So, see what I mean? Even the most romantically inept can see the problem between Tatsumi and my human. Now, I'll forgive Hisoka for running Tsuzuki around in circles; I've heard the other humans speaking about his childhood enough to recognize trauma when I see it. And yet, even they managed to get together, though they took their sweet time about it. 

    Of course, I've heard things about a fear of rejection, and even read about it once. (Of course I can read. The Gushoshin can read, and they're chickens -- a species much less generally intelligent than owls. Although to give them credit, they're hardly ordinary farm-variety chickens.) But I don't understand this human propensity to wallow in uncertainty. If my human (or Tatsumi, to be fair), could just say something, their fear of rejection would be over, because they would have either been accepted or rejected. 

    Not that I'm personally worried about rejection. Actually, I think they must both have paper bags over their heads to not have noticed the other one's interest. Honestly! 

    I'm getting my feathers all ruffled. I have to remain calm about this! 

    Fact one: my human believes that Tatsumi is not/will never be interested in him. This is due, mostly, to his prior interest in Tsuzuki-san. 

    Fact two: Tatsumi is far too straight-laced to ever make any sort of advance on my human. Probably also due to his prior interest in Tsuzuki-san. 

    Fact three: I have no vocal chords, and thus can't do much to influence either of them. (Unless I can find a way to lock them in a room together. Hm . . . not a bad thought, that.) 

    Conclusion: Though my mental capacities are not small, I'm having trouble finding any sort of a solution. 

    I rested upon my salvation early this morning, when I was touring the office building. Tsuzuki-san, oddly enough, is a morning person. Hisoka was impeccably on time as always. They were sitting in the staff room, and Tsuzuki-san was drinking coffee. I had gone in there because there were often donuts, and I was hungry. 

    "Ohayo!" Tsuzuki-san, polite as always, greets me as I flitter through the door. My human has been here all night, the silly thing, working on a potion. "We were just talking about Watari," he adds to me. 

    I land on the table and look at him with wise owl-eyes. 

    "It'll never work," Hisoka says, his tone dire. 

    "Sure it will!" Tsuzuki-san protests. I'm still looking at him, and he explains to me. That's one of the things I've always liked about Tsuzuki-san -- he treats me like I know what's going on. Which, of course, I do. "See, we're going to try to get him and Tatsumi to date. You think it's a good idea?" 

    I hoot enthusiastically. Damn this lack of vocal chords. 

    "You don't even know how you're going to do it," Hisoka says, sounding irritable. I've noted with the two of them that the cuter Tsuzuki-san is being (by human standards, that is), the more irritable Hisoka gets. I wonder why. 

    "But I'll think of something!" Tsuzuki-san declares happily. 

    I take my fragment of donut and fly back to the lab. My human is sound asleep, sprawled out all over his desk. 

    The clock chimes nine. Any minute now, Tatsumi will be in here to wake him up. It's a time-honored tradition. 

    And oh, the possibilities . . . 


	3. Scene Three

_I know these scenes are awfully short, but ah... live with it? Also, I know that I'm ignoring the fact that Shinigami can teleport, but I don't think they do it for mundane things like this. It's humor, so I feel I'm entitled to ignore little mistakes like that. ^_^_

    I'm fortunate in this endeavor that my human is not particularly observant, nor is he particularly careful where he leaves his things. Tatsumi, naturally, is quite observant, but as long as I'm quite he won't notice what I'm doing. I hope. 

    He comes in looking impeccable as always. There's no sign of hesitation in him, despite his recent practice of avoiding my human whenever possible. As always, he shuts the door behind him when he comes in. No sense in disturbing the others. My human can be loud when woken. 

    It's a simple matter to fly over and lock the door. Then another simple matter to grab my human's key, fly out the window, circle the building, and jam the key in the lock. Then I have to circle back, which means by the time I get there, my human should be awake. 

    But he isn't. In fact, Tatsumi is just standing at the edge of the desk, watching him sleep. I'm certainly not about to disturb him intentionally, but he looks up and jumps a little as I come in. He turns slightly pink -- Tatsumi, like Tsuzuki understands that I'm reasonably intelligent -- and clears his throat. Then he leans over and shakes my human by the shoulder. 

    My human buries his face in his arms. His hair has fallen over his face. "It's okay, I put the Bunsen burner out," he murmured. 

    Tatsumi gives him a look. "Wake up," he orders sternly. 

    "But . . . hydrochloric acid is poisonous," my human mutters into his hair. 

    "Watari-san. It's nine o'clock." 

    My human sits bolt upright, then grins, looking a little silly. "Ohayo, Tatsumi. Is it time for work already?" 

    Tatsumi just rolls his eyes and heads for the door. He turns the handle. It won't turn. He jiggles it, tries to unlock it, and comes to the conclusion that he's stuck. "Ano . . . Watari-san . . . have you been having trouble with your door?" 

    My human slides his glasses on and looks bewildered. "What? No . . . what's wrong?" 

    "It won't open." Tatsumi tugs on it harder, but still no luck. 

    My human shrugs. "Break it." 

    Tatsumi looks at him, aghast, and pushes his glasses up on his nose. "And waste departmental funds by having it replaced? I think not." 

    "Oh." My human looks like he's holding back giggles. "Guess you're stuck in here with me, then!" he says cheerfully. "That's okay, I could use some help on this experiment anyway . . ." 

    Tatsumi looks decidedly nervous at this statement and eyes the open window. "Maybe one of us should crawl outside and see if we can spot the problem from the hallway." 

    My human glances at the window. I can tell he's having a mental image of Tatsumi trying to squeeze through it. I know this because his face is rapidly turning a bright shade of red. "Ah, I'll go," he says quickly. I might mention here that though the windows are perfectly fine for me, they are a bit tight for a regular human. Hisoka would be able to fit through one, I'm fairly sure, but for Tatsumi and my human, it's a bit dubious. 

    Tatsumi looks relieved and shoves a table over so my human can reach. He does. He fits through his head. By angling carefully, he gets his shoulders through. And then . . . gets stuck. 

    "Ano . . ." his voice floats back inside. "I can't get through." 

    Tatsumi eyes the situation. "Try turning slightly to the right." 

    "Oh, easy for you to say," my human retorts, squirming around. Tatsumi's face is rapidly turning red as well. Given that my human is halfway through the window, I'm sure you can tell what Tatsumi is staring at it. "Give me a push!" 

    "A push?" Tatsumi asks helplessly, staring at the one part of my human available to him. 

    "Yes!" 

    "But . . ." Tatsumi's face is getting redder by the minute. 

    "Don't be so damn squeamish! You'd be saying the same if you were the one trapped in the window!" 

    "Aa . . ." Tatsumi gives up on being dignified, plants his hands firmly on my human's posterior, and gives him a shove. 

    He doesn't move. 

    "Aw, man . . ." 

    Tatsumi yanks his hands away as if they were burned. "Now what?" 

    "Pull me back in!" 

    Tatsumi grabs him by the feet and pulls him back in. That, at least, is successful. At first. "Ow, don't pull so fast!" my human protests, trying to angle his shoulders properly. Tatsumi stops pulling, and my human gets inside. He promptly loses his balance, goes tumbling off the table, and knocks Tatsumi over on his way down. 

    It's a good thing I can't laugh, or I would've split my sides open by now. 

    "Oof," my human says. 

    Tatsumi, who is flat on his back with my human sprawled out on top of him, concurs. 

    "Hey, guys?" The door opens and Tsuzuki walks in. "The key was stuck in the lock. How did . . . that . . . hap . . . pen . . ." Tsuzuki's voice grows more and more faint as he takes in the scene before him. 

    My human springs to his feet, his face the color of a ripe tomato. "Er -- I -- that is -- it's not what you -- " 

    Tsuzuki just blinks at them, wide-eyed. 

    Tatsumi, in a very dignified manner, gets to his feet and straightens himself. "We couldn't get the door open," he says, explaining in a very rational tone of voice that suggests that Tsuzuki had damn well better believe him. "I was attempting to assist Watari-san to climb out the window. He . . . slipped, and fell." 

    "Uh huh," Tsuzuki says, blinking at them. Then he slowly looks at me, and begins to smile. I think he's just figured out how the door was jammed. 

    "What's so funny?" my human grumbles, trying to regain his injured dignity. 

    "Nothing!" Tsuzuki says brightly. "I'll just leave you two to it, okay?" And he bounces back out of the room, and shuts the door. And yes, you guessed it -- jams the key again. He's evil sometimes. I like him. 

    "He didn't just . . .!" Tatsumi walks over briskly and starts banging on the door. "Tsuzuki-san! You let us out of here this instant! I . . . I'll dock your pay!" 

    But there's no answer. Tsuzuki is undoubtedly gone. Either that or he's eavesdropping. 

    "Well, guess we may as well make the best of it," my human says brightly, dropping back into his chair. He withdraws a sandwich from one of the drawers -- I don't even want to know how long that's been in there -- and starts to munch contentedly. 

    Tatsumi sighs. "I suppose the next person who finds us will be a little more understanding." There's an evil glint in his eye which does not speaking well for what's going to happen the next time he sees Tsuzuki. Well, that isn't my fault. 

    "Sure you don't want to break the door?" my human offers. 

    Tatsumi gives him a look. "I don't hate your company that much," he grumbles. 

    My human grins. "Aw, Tatsumi . . . that's so sweet." 

    Tatsumi turns the color of a tomato. Even though the next half hour passes in stony silence while my human goes about his business, until Hisoka figures out what his partner did and comes to let them out, I couldn't be happier with my progress. 

~~~ 

_Coming up next -- Tsuzuki puts his own personal plan into action._


	4. Scene Four

_I'm writing this in a really bad mood, so if it isn't as light-hearted and cheery as the rest, um... forgive me? This scene was inspired by the fic "The Lollipop Incident", which is an extremely funny fic that you should all go read. Right now._

    You would think after that, things might get better. And yet, no. They go right back to their silly little patterns of avoiding each other constantly. I'm beginning to think I should blow something up, if only because my human would have to go talk to Tatsumi about getting money to replace it. 

    However, I have a feeling that I might get in trouble for that. So for now, I'm letting it go, mostly because I'm curious to see what Tsuzuki and Hisoka have planned. Because after Tsuzuki left them locked in the office, I can see that he is just as devious as I am. 

    My human works too much these days. It's his way of avoiding the staff room, I think. I insisted that he go have lunch in human company today. Don't ask how I insisted this -- it's a specialty I've managed to hone after years in his company. He knows when I want him to do something. 

    The staff room here where everyone eats lunch consists of a long, rectangular table. Tsuzuki and Hisoka are sitting at the far end of it when my human waltzes in, sitting much closer together than can really be considered proper etiquette at the work place. Tatsumi is maybe halfway down the table. No one else is here yet. Or perhaps they've already been and gone. That's more likely. My human is always late. Tatsumi takes his lunch break whenever he gets a free minute. And Tsuzuki is lazy and takes a long time, and probably has persuaded Hisoka to stay a few extra minutes. 

    While he eats his chocolate cake, of course. 

    Under normal circumstances (normal meaning a few weeks ago), my human would have taken the chair across from Tatsumi. But now, of course he can't manage that. He takes a seat a few chairs down, closer to Tsuzuki and Hisoka. 

    Tsuzuki nudges Hisoka, and grins. I think he has a plan afoot. Hisoka glances at him, and rolls his eyes just slightly. It's more like an eighth of a roll. 

    "What's up?" my human greets them, grinning excitedly. 

    "Not much," Tsuzuki says innocently. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a little Tupperware. "Hisoka made me chocolate cake," he adds, and gives the boy a sweet smile. Hisoka predictably turns red up to the tips of his ears and mutters a disclaimer. 

    "It wasn't really for you," he says. 

    "But you haven't eaten any of it yet," Tsuzuki says. "Which is why I brought this piece to lunch today." He takes out a fork with the flair of any showman, and gets a mouthful onto it. "Close your eyes and open your mouth." 

    "Tsu-zu-kiiii," Hisoka protests. 

    "Nani?" Tsuzuki asks, smiling. 

    Hisoka leans closer. My keen owl ears enable me to hear, "Not in front of everyone." My human just blinks at the two of them. Tatsumi, at his end of the table, is looking uncomfortable with the entire situation. In fact, I think he's considering leaving. 

    "It's just cake," Tsuzuki says innocently. 

    Hisoka just gives him a look. Oh, there's that eye rolling again. Then he closes his eyes and opens his mouth. 

    Tsuzuki slowly -- so slowly that it can only be slow on purpose -- delivers the fork in his mouth. I notice Tatsumi shifting uncomfortably again, as Hisoka's lips close on the fork and it, still slowly, slides out of his mouth. 

    My human is staring at them. Though, for him, he's doing it very surreptitiously indeed. Usually his eyes would just be falling out of his head, which means that he really doesn't want anyone to notice that he's watching. 

    "Is it good?" Tsuzuki asked, in a hushed voice. My human and Tatsumi both shift again. Must be something about the way he said it. Hisoka is still sitting there with half-lidded eyes, and he nods. "Want more?" Tsuzuki asks. It occurs to me suddenly that because some enterprising soul (probably Wakaba) has put a plastic tablecloth on the table, we cannot see anything below Hisoka and Tsuzuki's respective mid-chest. Well, that's enough to make me wonder. 

    Apparently it's making the others wonder as well. Tatsumi lets out an odd half-cough, and goes back to studying his lunch with great intensity. My human takes off his glasses and polishes them earnestly. 

    Tsuzuki feeds him another mouthful. And another. I fly around the room a little, enough to see that Tsuzuki's hand is most definitely resting on Hisoka's thigh. Honestly, it's a wonder the two of them ever get any work done. 

    But I really don't understand why my human and Tatsumi are so uptight about. It's a normal thing, or so I was led to understand, to mate with your partner. Tatsumi and my human must know intellectually that Tsuzuki and Hisoka would be physically affectionate with each other. Why is this display making them so uncomfortable? 

    Humans, really. They're so silly. 

    Tatsumi clears his throat when the cake is about halfway gone. Tsuzuki has been feeding Hisoka for at least a good five minutes. "You know, you two, this is the staff room. This seems a bit more . . . private . . . than you're making it." 

    Tsuzuki turns and gives Tatsumi an adorably clueless look. "Is it bothering you?" 

    "Certainly not!" Tatsumi says, so quickly that of course we all know that it's bothering him immensely. Tsuzuki has to stifle a grin. Even my human is smiling, though he wasn't faring so well under the tension either. Hisoka just looks sort of dazed. This must be some human thing I don't understand. 

    Now what would any sensible human do in my human's place? You're right. He would leave the room, or at least not say anything. But no, my human has to chime in with, "Are you sure about that, Tatsumi?" 

    Tatsumi gives him an icy glare. "It's not bothering me if it's not bothering you," he says, sounding annoyed. 

    My human shifts in his chair slightly. "Of course it's not bothering me," he says, doing a much better job of lying than Tatsumi had done. Honestly, you can barely tell. Of course, we have an empath in the room, but he doesn't seem to be paying much attention. Tsuzuki has gone back to feeding him cake. 

    "Your face is awfully red, considering that it isn't bothering you," Tatsumi retorts. Which naturally only causes my human to blush more. 

    "You're the one who couldn't sit still for more than three consecutive seconds," my human shoots back. This is getting interesting. I land on a chair to look on. "But of course it's not bothering you, because nothing ever bothers you. Sometimes I think you have ice water in your veins instead of blood." 

    "Yes, and I'm sure you notice, because you're just the most perceptive person to ever grace the Meifu," Tatsumi says, his voice practically raining sarcasm down on all of us. I resist the urge to bite his ear. Call me biased, but that was mean. 

    "Hey, quit it," Tsuzuki says, surprised at what his little game has wrought. 

    Tatsumi gives him a look. "You started it," he snarls, and marches out of the office. 

    "What's he mean, I started it?" Tsuzuki asks piteously. 

    "You started it and you damn well know it," my human retorts, and storms out himself. Wonderful, now they're both in horrible moods and angry with each other to boot. This seems to have been a step backwards. 

    Tsuzuki blinks at Hisoka. "You want the rest of the cake?" he asks uncertainly. 

    Hisoka pushes back from the table. "You need to learn that you can't fix everything the way you'd like it," he says, sounding irritated. Then he leaves the room as well. Tsuzuki is left sitting there with half a piece of cake and a fork, looking bewildered. 

    He turns to me. I think he understands why my human and Tatsumi were angry, but he doesn't know why he's upset his younger partner. "What'd I do?" 

    I ruffle my feathers at him. I certainly have no clue. Humans, who can deal with them? 


	5. Scene Five

_Notes: This is the second last in the series, and can be attributed mostly to Ria, who gave me the idea for what to do with it. ^_^ ::Glompies Ria::_

    Fortunately for my sanity, I don't find myself with two couples to fix. I'm not sure precisely what explanation Tsuzuki gave to Hisoka, or exactly how pathetic a face he had to make or how much he had to whimper, but the next time I saw the two of them, they were just as affectionate as ever. In fact, they were considerably more so, but as they were in the privacy of their own office, they had no idea I was about to intrude. 

    I must say, though, that if Tatsumi had caught them at that, they certainly would have lost a day's pay. 

    All in all, it seemed a stroke of luck that they didn't need my help reconciling, because I had my wings full with my own human. He was moping with the best of him. Probably more so than I'd ever seen him mope before. It was horrendous. He even stopped eating breakfast. (Though around mid-morning he always got really hungry and went to get a donut, so no real danger there.) 

    If Tatsumi was moping, no one knew about it. He was locked in his office with even more stacks of paper than usual. Though it was nearly the time that the annual budget report was due, this wasn't particularly unusual, but usually he would at least go home to sleep. I suppose he was afraid that if he left his office, he might see my human in the hallway. 

    But all in all, things were not working out. I had lost my ally. Tsuzuki was far too busy making up with Hisoka to help, and in any case, I'm not sure he would have wanted to risk Hisoka's wrath again. So I was somewhat at a loss as to what to do next. Tatsumi and my human were not helping by avoiding each other constantly. 

    However, there was a plus side: at least they had both acknowledged their own frustration to themselves, if not to each other. At least, I think that can be counted as a plus, though it did make my human quite irritable. 

    My human came back from the budget meeting even more irritable. Tatsumi had been annoyed and given him even less funding than usual. Of course, Tatsumi usually gave him very little for funding. I don't really understand human money, but I do know that the number for this year was substantially lower than it had been in years previous. 

    "How does he think he has the right?" my human asks me, splashing different potion components around in his anger. I think he's hoping to find something really nasty to do to Tatsumi. I'm not sure I would blame him. "Just cut my funding because he has a problem with me personally? It's not fair!" 

    He slams a beaker down so hard that it cracks, spilling green goo everywhere. He doesn't even notice, he's so angry. It rather alarms me. I mean, when he's making something gooey, it probably isn't good to get all over the counters. "Besides, who does he think he is?" my human continues to fume. "He's so high and mighty just because he's better at hiding his feelings than I am. Oh, well, I'm so sorry for being human." 

    At this point, I'm pretty sorry that he's human, too. Animals are so much more logical about things like this. 

    "You know what?" My human puts down what he's holding with a thump. "I'm going to go yell at him. Maybe that'll make me feel better." 

    I somewhat doubt it, but he gives my alarmed hoots no heed, and storms out of the room. His hair is everywhere and his lab coat is flapping in the breeze that he makes for himself as he walks briskly down the hallway. Tsuzuki sees him and looks about as alarmed as I feel, but gets out of his way without comment. 

    My human pushes into Tatsumi's office without even knocking, which is definitely an office no-no, but at least it gets Tatsumi's attention. He looks quite displeased, and much more severe than usual. "I'm busy," he says shortly. 

    "You sure are," my human shoots back. "What the hell is wrong with you? There was no need to cut me out of the budget just because you were angry over a stupid argument about cake." 

    Tatsumi pushes his glasses up on his nose and gives my human a world class glare. "Funds were tight this year. I cut what I believed to be necessary." 

    "Oh, don't give me that bullshit," my human protests. "You're mad about what happened last week and you're taking it out on me by taking away my funding. Well, you know what? That just means that I'll have to do a funding request for every experiment I want to do, so believe me when I say that I'll be sitting on your doorstep this whole year!" 

    "I'll keep it in mind to come in through the back," Tatsumi says sharply. 

    "So you hate my company that much?" my human challenges. 

    "If you're going to continue acting like a spoiled child, yes!" 

    I don't really think that was the best thing for him to say right there. My human looks absolutely enraged, which is a state that I (thankfully) don't see him in very often. "I'm the one who's in the wrong here?" he asks incredulously. "Oh, well, I'm so sorry. Maybe I would have been more likely to just act normally if you didn't glare at me every time it looked like I might speak!" 

    "Maybe if you ever said anything useful -- " Tatsumi began, but my human cut him off. 

    "Maybe if you weren't afraid that I'd say something you wouldn't like!" 

    Tatsumi draws himself up, looking infuriated. "And exactly what are you implying? What do you think you're going to say that would upset me so much?" 

    "You know what I mean," my human says, but he's looking like he wishes he had kept his big mouth shut. 

    "No, I don't believe I do," Tatsumi says, even though we all know damn well that he knows exactly what Watari meant. "Please, don't spare my feelings. Whatever's on your mind, just tell me. That's the only way to settle this." 

    "You know what's on my mind, damn it!" 

    "So you won't say it?" Tatsumi asks. 

    I have a feeling that this is going to start going badly any minute now. 

    "Why should I?" my human snarls. "It's not as if saying it would do any good. Not as if mere words could melt the shell of ice that you've built around you." 

    "It's there for good reason," Tatsumi says. "Not that you would know anything about it." 

    "Gee, I wonder why?" my human replies. "Oh, wait, I know. It's because you never tell anyone a damn thing! I know you were in love with Tsuzuki. EVERYONE knows you were in love with Tsuzuki, okay? Now get over it and stop treating it like it's some huge secret!" 

    Uh oh. The shadows in the room are starting to ripple. We have one seriously pissed off secretary here. My human glances around and starts to look slightly concerned. Like he doesn't know what he would do if Tatsumi actually loses his cool. 

    But apparently he's not worried about it. He marches straight up to Tatsumi, pokes him in the chest, and says, "Who's being the spoiled child now, huh? Keep control of your powers." 

    Tatsumi just gapes at him for a minute. But the shadows settle down, which can only be good. 

    "I am not," he said stiffly, "out of control." 

    "Oh, yeah," my human says, rolling his eyes. "I'm not surprised. Do you even know how to be out of control? Do you know how to let your feelings go even the slightest little bit?" 

    "I've never needed to," Tatsumi says between clenched teeth. 

    "Yeah. As I said. Ice water." 

    "Don't assume you know anything about me!" Tatsumi yells. They're standing toe to toe, shouting in each other's faces. Oh, this is just excellent. Why do I even bother? 

    "Well, don't assume that you know anything about me!" my human shouts back. That's it. I think I'm going to give up and just leave the two of them to their yelling, and WHEN did they start kissing?! 

    .......?!?! 

    Okay, I'm confused. 

    No, they're not stopping. They're really going at it, in fact. 

    ................. 

    I don't understand this at all. They were yelling at each other just a minute ago. And really, really angry, too. And now they're kissing. And Tatsumi just backed my human against the wall. I'm lost. This doesn't make any sense! 

    .....humans. Who can figure them? 


	6. Scene Six

_Notes: Well, here's the last little ficlet in the series. This whole thing was great fun to me, so thanks to those who inspired it, and hope you all enjoyed it_

~~~ 

    Well, well, well. 

    Things have been quite interesting around here for the past few days. I haven't been seeing that much of my human. Really, I've been giving him some privacy. I understand that this is something humans crave while in the beginning stages of a relationship. I suppose I can understand that -- I'm not sure I'd want to court a handsome young male owl in front of my human. 

    But really, things have been quite good. My human has been spending a great deal of time with Tatsumi. I fluttered out of the office after they started their kissing the other day, so I'm not sure what happened, but given how proper Tatsumi is . . . I doubt it was that much. 

    Though one never knows, really. 

    Tsuzuki is practically beside himself with glee. I think this is partially because Tatsumi has been rather dazed, and therefore hasn't been paying much attention to the office as he should. Which means that for the past few days, no one has been doing any work. Honestly, things in the Meifu would grind to a halt without Tatsumi. Of course, this isn't permanent. We're all just taking a break. 

    A well-deserved one, if you ask me. 

    Actually, all things considered, it's a good thing that Tatsumi and my human worked things out when they did. Why do I say that? Well, mostly because Tsuzuki came into work bouncing up and down with an idea about slipping aphrodisiacs into the coffee . . . and hoping I could help him sneak a look at my human's book and get a proper potion for it. 

    I can't even imagine the disaster that little episode might have caused. 

    But all's well that ends in lots of smoochies. Which this certainly seems to have. My human is spending an awfully large amount of time in Tatsumi's office . . . I don't think that will last, because eventually Tatsumi will want him to get back to work, but hey, they're in the honeymoon stage. 

    In any case, everyone in the office is thrilled because Tatsumi hasn't been so iron-fisted. And as for Tatsumi and my human arguing . . . well, they seem to have cleared that up. I didn't listen to the conversation. It wouldn't have been proper. 

    I will say, however, that the way they were discovered was . . . fairly amusing. Naturally, Tatsumi being who he is, he wanted to keep this all quiet and not really tell anyone. My human didn't particularly seem to think it would work, but nor did he particularly care one way or another. I think that if it had gone on too long, they might have argued about whether or not Tatsumi was ashamed of their relationship . . . 

    . . . but, you see, it didn't. Go on long, I mean. 

    Tatsumi was wandering around in his decidedly dazed manner, but he finally settled down for some coffee before the day started. My human popped into the staff lounge, where Tatusmi was, and gave him a decidedly genki wink before getting his own coffee and a donut. Then he settled down in the chair next to him, scooting closer. "So didja have fun last night?" he asked. 

    Tatsumi turned a gratifying shade of pink. I decided right then that I never, ever wanted to know exactly what my human was referring to. 

    Fortunately for Tatsumi, Tsuzuki bounced in before he could answer. This was slightly after he had been asking me about the potions and the aphrodisiacs. Tatsumi pulled away quickly, before Tsuzuki could see how close they had been sitting. The purple-eyed Shinigami gave them a look that bordered between suspicion and disgust. 

    However, he greeted them with his normal cheer. "Ohayo, Tatsumi, Watari! Ooh, donuts." He bounded for the other end of the room. My human and Tatsumi both let out barely concealed sighs of relief. 

    Hisoka walked in the room, looked between the two of them, and did something I have never seen him do before. 

    He burst into laughter. 

    Everyone just blinked at him for a minute while he leaned against the doorway, both arms crossed over his stomach as he tried valiantly to contain himself. "Ano . . . Hisoka?" Tsuzuki finally tried. "Are you all right?" 

    Hisoka waved a hand at him. "I'm fine," he managed. He coughed once, then straightened up, apparently pulling himself together. It hadn't really occurred to any of them that he would just be able to tell, that he would be able to sense the change between them. The same way that I could smell the pheromones, he could feel them. 

    "What was so funny?" Tsuzuki asked, offering him a cup of coffee. 

    "Nothing." Hisoka takes the coffee, takes a sip, turns to my human and Tatsumi. "Congratulations," he says neutrally, and walks out of the lounge. 

    They blink after him. He's caused a lot of blinking today. 

    "Congratulations for what?" Tsuzuki asks. My human and Tatsumi both shift uncomfortably in their chairs. Light dawns on Tsuzuki, and his purple eyes go wide and sparkly. "Waaaaahhhhh~!!" He glomps onto Tatsumi. "You two are going to be so happy, I know it!" 

    And without further ado, he bounces out of the lounge. Most likely to go tell everyone he can find. 

    Tatsumi sighs. "Well, so much for that," he mumbles. 

    "Awww, it's not so bad," my human replies. "They just want us to be happy. Besides, we should've known that Bouya would have figured it out anyway. Being an empath at all." 

    "Well, he can't read me." Tatsumi pushes his glasses up on his nose and gives my human a stern look. "Which means that he must have gotten it from you." 

    "Yeah, yeah." My human leans over and gives Tatsumi a firm kiss on the cheek. Really, they're so cute. If I could blush, I definitely would be now. 

    By lunchtime, naturally, everyone in the office knows. I'm not sure if this is because Tsuzuki helpfully spread the rumor everywhere, or if Tatsumi's lack of concern about office affairs gives them away without help. Either way, it's pretty funny. All the girls are giggling madly every time that Tatsumi passes by. They would have been laughing at my human, I think, except that the first time Wakaba started to tease him, he just grinned and said that absolutely nothing could affect his good mood. 

    And also, that if they didn't stop, a certain number of unpleasant potions might find their way into the office coffee. And of course that he couldn't be expected to tell anyone except Tatsumi about them. 

    That was fairly effective in getting everyone to leave not only my human, but also Tatsumi, alone. 

    In any case, now that's all said and done, and everyone seems to be quite pleased with it. Tsuzuki is enjoying the chance to slack on his work and take 'breaks' which generally wind up with Hisoka being mysteriously absent as well. 

    Yes, it seems that everything is just fine, no thanks to these silly human concepts of romance. Honestly. They can be so silly sometimes. 

--finis-- 


End file.
